So, over these last few weeks I've been going on prayer drives around Sandy Hook. They've been an interesting time. I drive and pray and God tells me where to turn... I've ended up in places I'd never been, and some very familiar ones as well. One day, I ended up behind a school bus, which was great because I could follow it and pray for each of the kids as they got off. But some days I'd just drive around and pray in the spirit, taking a left here and a right there. Often times, I'd get home and just think, "ok... I know I did what I was supposed to, but what did I do?".

Yesterday, after my drive, I decided to look up the address for one of the families that lost their daughter in the shooting. They are constantly on my heart, so I wanted to make sure that I drove by and prayed for them and their neighborhood. But, it turns out God was a few steps ahead of me (who knew :). God had been sending me by them on almost all of my prayer drives...

This has made me realize that when we're obedient, even when we don't know why, it is for something much bigger. God is so much bigger and more involved than we can ever really comprehend! I'm always looking for answers and reasons, when most of the time what God is doing is probably beyond my human comprehension. But, it's always for good... I feel like there's a "trembling" going on in Sandy Hook these days, like the type that comes before a volcanoes eruption (it's a good eruption)... and we're just beginning to see the first signs...

And, by the way, I'm done looking up addresses, I can say with confidence that God knows a little better than me ;)

Inaugural Tears

I'm watching the inauguration. I've never really been interested in it, and hadn't planned on watching today, but the lack of "quality" tv today has had me in a bind ;) I've been cooking, cleaning and organizing while Frank John naps, so this has been background noise.
They just had a lady (no, I didn't pay attention to who), praying. She prayed to "the almighty", and used a few other non-denominational names. I didn't really pray along, or pay much attention to what all she was praying for because I was a bit put-off by her unwillingness to stand there on behalf of her own faith. I know she has to appease "everyone", but it seems like we have it backwards. Tolerance comes by including everyone and tip-toeing around other's feelings, instead of others being tolerant of a person's right to express their own faith, whatever that may be.
So then she closed her prayer, "in the name of Jesus, and all else holy."
Out of nowhere, I stopped putting on my make-up and starting bawling my eyes out. At first, I truly didn't understand where these tears were coming. I wasn't moved by her prayer, I wasn't moved by the event, I wasn't moved at all. Then it hit me that these were tears for a nation that's walked so far away from it's founding faith. Out of respect for everyone else, the speaker chose to disrespect Jesus by trying to remove Him from His throne by placing Him in line with all these other holy figures.
That's happened before throughout history. Nazi Germany is the first that comes to mind.

But, I have hope, because I know my God still is in control... and through these perils will come brave, bold, and faithful people who wont let their lights be put out in the name of tolerance.

Pain, healing, and memories

Unfortunately, we all live in an era where we’ve lived through many tragic shootings. Our hearts break as we watch the stories in the news, we want to reach out and help, try to take some of the pain away… but then our lives move on. The news stories stop flooding in, and our focus shifts back to our own lives, families, and towns. Now, I’m learning it’s much different when you experience it first hand. The chaos, the traffic, the reporters have all left, but the pain hasn’t.

I was a bit surprised on Sunday evening when I realized how incredibly broken I still am over the events that happened on the 14^th. I’d like to consider myself a resilient person, one who can get through anything with the help of God, but I’m learning that even though that is who I am, it doesn’t come without pain. As I spent some time “looking” at my heart, I realized that the business of being a mom, the holidays, and my lack of sleep had caused me to bury my feelings. I had thought I was handling the emotions well, and feeling stronger every day, but the reality was my heart was more of a casket, with its lid closed tightly, than a well-spring of life.

I pulled out an old baby bouncy chair for my son to play with, and a wave of grief struck. I remember that moment like it was yesterday.  A family walked into Ice Cream Heaven on a warm summer day. It must have been a Friday afternoon… one of the sweetest little girls you could ever meet spotted my 3 month old in his bouncy chair. She was so excited to see him. She asked if she could go over to him, and I agreed. She crouched down next to him and proceeded to gently tickle his belly and his toes. I almost asked her not to, as I was in that stage of motherhood when you worry about every little germ, but I couldn’t bare to as I watched her delight and her gentleness. We all talked for a bit, I scooped ice cream, and made an Oreo milkshake that I’m sure I added too much milk to, and then the family and friend went outside to enjoy their treat.  It breaks my heart that I won’t see that sweet little face again on this side of heaven.

Then there was one of our neighbor’s best friends. We’d always see them outside playing basketball together; they’d always wave and would frequently come for a treat together. They sure loved “Mr. Frank” and “Mr. Ray”.  I’m sure that every time he came inside, he’d be wearing a sports uniform.  It’s impossible to forget his smile when he was handed his ice cream.

Then there were the two kids who’d come with their camp. They’d laugh, they’d play, they’d run… but no longer here on earth. I take comfort knowing where they are. And I pray the families take comfort knowing that there’s no time in heaven, so for their beloved children, it will feel like they’ll see their families again in the next moment. It’s only here where the pain lingers; seemingly better one day, only to feel worse the next.

I’ve come to accept that this will be a long journey; much longer than I had expected. As faces of moms and dads emerge in the media, so do memories. The pain seems to swell and ache before the next wave of healing comes.

 I started out to say that I’d never watch a tragedy unfold on the news in the same way, but instead, I guess I explained why.  Sympathy has been replaced with a level of empathy in most of us, and I believe God has a very good reason for that in all of our lives. 

God's with us.

I like to re-read, to reflect on my words before sharing, but my son won't let me. Here are my raw thoughts. No eloquence. No editing.

Sunday night was a crazy night, just like Friday and Saturday. It all feels like such a blur. We opened our doors for praise, worship, and healing, and in the chaos that surrounded us, I looked outside to see a man setting up crosses. He had made them, and driven through the night from Illinois. One was made with the Star of David, he even brought extra crosses and stars in case he miss spelled someone’s name or we found out that someone else was Jewish. He adorned the crosses with Beanie Babies, and handmade angel necklaces before heading on his way back home. We didn’t expect this. We aren’t really sure that Ice Cream Heaven is the right place for this display, as we want them to help the community in all ways possible, and we’re not sure they’ll do that on our sleepy lot. But they’re significant symbols in the darkness.

So, we had our time of worship, and I know there was tremendous healing in my own heart during that time. Then we went upstairs to go to bed and get some rest. I woke up around 3:40 with Frank John, and after I had gotten him back to sleep, I looked out the window, and the crosses were gone.

I couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t understand. Had they been offensive? Had someone moved them because they felt they shouldn’t be in the rain? My mind raced for hours until morning when I was able to see them lined up at the base of our house. I knew I had to go fix the display, but I didn’t know how I’d do it with a baby in tow. I prayed, I prayed for peace in my own heart, and that God would send help. As soon as Frank John woke up, I put him into my baby carrier; we bundled up, and headed outside to re-set up the display.

I hadn’t seen the crosses up close until that morning. Originally, I thought they might be plastic, but as I tried to carry them, I realized that they were wood and they were heavy. It’s hard enough to bend over and pick something up with a baby in a front carrier, and when you add the weight, I just wasn’t sure how I’d ever accomplish this. There were some tears shed before I decided I’d do this anyway, regardless of the physical strain.

As I carried these crosses, I was reminded of Simon of Cyrene. Luke tells us, “As the soldiers led him [Jesus] away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus.” The crosses I carried were small, not nearly what Jesus and Simon had carried.

As I reflected on this, I noticed a car turnaround in the empty lot across the street. It pulled into our driveway. My first thought was, “great, it’s the press… just what I need.” But a woman, without a camera, stepped out. The first thing she said to me was, “Don’t be afraid.” The same words the angels often (maybe always?) said when they appeared to people in the Bible. Then she told me she lived down the road… that she didn’t have much time… but she asked if she could help me. I told her how grateful I was and that I wasn’t sure what had happened and how upset I was. She comforted me by saying that if someone had been angry or wanted to vandalize, they wouldn’t have put the display away in an orderly manner.

As we set up, actually, I picked the crosses up, and she carried them for me and put them in a line… another neighbor came over to help. Between the three of us, we could do this, and we did.

My message to those hurting and suffering right now is that Jesus can come alongside you and help you carry your cross. Jesus says, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30).  He wants to help.

We’ve seen an outpouring of love and help in many forms. People are showing up from all over the country. I have more personal stories, but not time to write them now. I hope to be able to share more in the next few days. But the message is the same, God is in our suffering and He is caring our burden and carrying us through. 

So being a new mom, I’ve begun to truly appreciate the experience commonly known as the “drive-thru”.  The idea of getting out of the car, lugging my 16 ½ lb baby into the store, all for a cup of coffee just seems absurd. I now will actually drive an additional 15 minutes each way just to use the Starbucks drive thru! Today, needing a few items at the grocery store, I packed up all of our gear and got ready to do this extra long drive all for a pre-shopping cup of coffee. Unfortunately for me and my desires, God had a different plan. I felt like today, I needed to drive to Southbury to do my grocery shopping. It’s only a few extra miles from where I normally would go, and closer than the drive-thru I planned to use, but the downside is that the Southbury Starbucks doesn’t have a drive-thru! I really tried to get out of this one, justifying why I should just do what’s easiest for me. But in the end, I listened and headed off to Southbury.

I drudged through the hot parking lot, with my little guy, and then drudged back to the car with not one but two drinks in my hands, plus my wallet and my keys. I was not a happy camper.  Then I got to stop-n-shop, did my shopping, and checked out. The caffeine had kicked in a bit, and I was a little more enthusiastic about the day as I was walking out of the store.  As I was about to go through the cross walk, I looked both ways to make sure the coast was clear, and to my left I saw something that truly startled me.  An older woman with a cane was completely leaning on a man who was shaking in an effort to hold her up and keep her from falling into the road. Now my first instinct from my childhood was to keep walking. I knew that I couldn’t physically go over to them and help the man hold up the woman. If he was struggling, I would not be of much help; after all I struggled carrying my little guy! So not wanting to be an unhelpful bystander, I figured I’d keep walking. No sooner had I come to that conclusion then I’d realized how completely wrong it was.  So I rushed over to them, laid hands on the woman and started to pray.

Now, in all honesty, when I pray out loud, I usually like to have a few moments to prepare what I’m going to pray, but in this moment that wasn’t an option. The first words that came out of my mouth were “In the name of Jesus”.  The man struggling to hold the woman up looked at me with complete shock, but I closed my eyes and continued to pray.  My prayer was short; I believe I prayed something along the lines of “In the name of Jesus, I speak perfect peace into your body, perfect strength…” Then I prayed in tongues quietly to myself.  In the next moment, an employee rushed out with a chair and the woman was able to sit down. I waited for a few moments then asked her if she was ok. She smiled at me and responded by saying she had diabetes. I could tell by her eyes that the moment of crisis had past, so I smiled and headed to my car. And I knew that was it… that was the reason I had to go to Southbury today. God had orchestrated it all perfectly. He knew I’d slowly drudge through the starbucks parking lot, He knew it would take me a few tries to straighten out in my parking spot, He knew how long my shopping would take, and He knew that ladies schedule.  He knew that maybe she hadn’t eaten correctly to manage her blood sugar, and He knew precisely the moment she’d lose her strength. And I know that He loves her.

I don’t know a thing about either of those people, other than the woman had diabetes. I don’t know what they think about God, or the lady who ran over and started to pray for them. Based on the man’s surprise, I have a feeling they didn’t have much faith, or faith at all. But as I sit here and recount this story, I rejoice in God’s love for us.  God sent his only Son, to live a perfect life and die a criminal’s death, so that woman could be healed, so that we could be saved, and that we could live in the fullness of Christ, and then enjoy an eternity with Him. Halleluiah. 

Saving and Spulrging

I’ve always been an incredibly cheap person… like I buy clothing at Goodwill, but only if it’s 50% off… so of course being a new mom, I’ve had lots of additional shopping to do! Most of the things I’ve bought have been second hand, but I’ve had some varying experiences that I wanted to share for others.

Disclaimer- I’m tired and crunched for time, so you’ll have to forgive any lack of coherency or blatant typos… re-reading is not in the agenda for today ;)

Here are some things I saved on, and some I should have splurged on:

Clothing: Mega Save! Second hand clothing is pretty much just as good as anything you’ll buy new. I did really well by shopping sales at consignment stores. One day, I purchased 30 pieces of clothing for $30, and that pretty much lasted us until he moved into his 6 month clothing.

Car Seat: Save! I purchased a travel system (car seat, stroller, car seat base) for $30 off of craigslist and the car seat has been perfect. Just check for recalls and be sure it hasn’t been in an accident before you purchase.

Stroller: Should have splurged. As I just mentioned, I got a car seat, base, and stroller all second hand. The deal was impeccable as it retailed for over $150, but the reason I was able to purchase it so reasonable was because the stroller was pretty beat up. I wasn’t heartbroken as I only spent $30, and would have gladly spent that for the car seat alone, but looking back I should have purchased a new one off the bat. Anyway, to replace the original stroller from the travel set, I purchased a universal stroller that just snaps the infant car seat into it. Again, I went second hand and spent $30 for the snap-n-go. I must have been so thrilled with the price at the time that I failed to realize how beat up it was. It still is serving us well, but a new one probably would have lasted through multiple children whereas this one will most likely need to be replaced in a few months. Long story short, could have spent an additional $20 for a new snap-n-go… should have splurged!

Dresser/ Rocker: Save! Actually free… I repurposed my old dresser from my parent’s house. It’s in good shape, and holds the clothes perfectly! Same deal with a rocking chair... why buy something you can borrow!

Changing table: Save! Another consignment store find… spent $35 for a basic white changing table that came with 3 really cute baskets. It has some scratches on it but ultimately I saved about $70 compared to buying the same one new, so I can’t complain!

Crib: Save! Cribs seem to have quite a bit of novelty with new moms. When I was pregnant, I was constantly searching for the “perfect” crib. For me, that meant craigslist shopping or amazon, and I was prepared to spend about $250 for a Da Vinci crib. Ultimately, my saving gene kicked in and I found a great crib from walmart which my sister bought for us, and it was less than half of the price of a Da Vinci! It looks great, and I’m pretty sure FJ isn’t disappointed with it!

Cloth diapers: splurge! I notice that they’re sold frequently on craigslist, but I’ve avoided them for a few reasons. The first thing that’s a turn off about second hand diapers (aside from the pure concept) is that they tend to be over priced… spending $15 for a diaper I can get for $18 just doesn’t make sense. The second reason I’ve avoided them is that it seems like they may be being sold because they weren’t working right for the family. I’d rather get something I know will work for us. All that being said, I still managed to score a great deal on Oh Katy Diapers off of Amazon… they had a buy 5 get the 6^th free sale, and I purchased a color that was 20% off bringing the sale price down to around $13 a piece.

Diaper bag: Spurge! I registered for a carter’s diaper bag. It was cute, it came with a main diaper bag, mini diaper bag, changing pad, and little bottle cooler… best part was you got all of that for $25. I used the bag for the first 3 months and it served its purpose. Unfortunately, as the amount of gear that I carried increased, so did the chaos that exploded from my diaper bag. The main bag was large, but didn’t have a single pocket so it just became a disaster.  The final straw came when I was at a check-out register, totally convinced I had lost my wallet… when it was actually just buried! So I bought a new bag, with lots of pockets that I’m thrilled with. It retailed on Amazon for $140, but I got a pattern that was reduced by 50%... and applied a $25 gift card… Score!

Breast Pump: Splurge! The first breast pump we got was the bottom of the line Medela pump. The sales women said that the technology was basically the same, but it turns out it wasn’t and the pump died after a few weeks. It was still under warranty with Medela, but when we called them we found out that they no longer even sell that pump. Babies R Us was selling discontinued models… so Medela did the right thing and sent us a new and better pump in exchange for our old one. But the moral of the story is that cheap isn’t always good! As for second hand breast pumps, I see great deals all the time… it just wasn’t for me… but you could always buy it used and then purchase a few new parts…

Bouncy Chair, Swing, Boppy Pillow, Bumbo chair: Save! I purchased most of my baby “gear” second hand and haven’t regretted it. Everything I found was at least half of what it would have cost new! My one blunder with this was not checking to make sure that all of the parts were washable. My bouncy chair has a little awning that is attached to the fabric that makes up the seat, and consequently doesn’t wash very well… but now I know for next time ;)

Nursery decorations

So originally I had planned to cover wood frames in fabric to decorate our babies room. We had done this project before in Oklahoma, and it was a really cute, simple, decoration! I picked out this really cute pink toile for our little girl (can you tell I like toile?) and planned to use pushpins (with the help of a hammer) and cheapo walmart wood frames (the ones without the glass) as we had done before!

But then, at 31 weeks, we got the news that we actually are having a boy! So back to square one with our decorating, planning, and organizing! What I ended up doing was digging up some old frames (these had been in out attic) and I figured the cream color would look nice in room! I contemplated adding pictures of family, but we have photos placed around the room already so I wanted something more along the lines of art, yet without having a budget for it! What I ended up doing was using cards that had been given to me (just the front, of course I save the back) and making it into decorations! This was surprisingly easy, until I ran out of cards that matched the colors... so I opted to use the top of a cute gift bag that had been given to me! I'm so excited to welcome our little one into his nursery and it's so special that he will be surrounded by decorations (and items) given to him by his friends and family!