If you didn't know already... I'm pregnant! Surprise! Or not if you've seen me recently with my 5 month pregnant belly :)
We found out we were expecting the day after moving back to CT. It was an incredible rush of different emotions. I was happy/excited but equally shocked and petrified. My goal was to keep it a secret from Frank and surprise him in some special way, but he kept on asking why I had such a strange look on my face. I could only say there was no reason so many times before it was clear it was a blatant lie, so I broke the news to him as we went through the McDonalds drive-thru... it might not have been special, but it was certainly memorable!
So when I found out I was pregnant I knew I wasn't just 4-5 weeks because with the correct dating, I should have been 8-9 weeks pregnant. I instantly made an appointment with the doctor and shortly after I was having an ultrasound. Like I said, I went in thinking I was about 8 weeks but the ultrasound didn't show that. Instead it showed a barley 5 week old baby with no signs of life. Now, 5 week ultrasounds don't often detect a heart beat... but the pieces just didn't add up. There was no prior irregularity that might make the dating off. I couldn't say I had been experiencing any symptoms because I felt completely normal. This concerned the doctor and they gracefully tried to inform me that it was very possible that the baby had died 3 weeks prior and my body had yet to have a miscarriage... try driving home with that news!
I had another ultrasound scheduled for the following week to see if there was any progress or signs of life, so I spent the next week gripped by fear... wondering if I'd be working and just start having a miscarriage! I really can't describe how that week went... it was a very fearful daze!
The next week brought better news, as the ultrasound showed "remarkable" growth. I was incredibly relieved... but I still new that the next few weeks brought a high rate of miscarriage. I went to the doctor at 12 weeks and she checked for a heartbeat- it was the longest few minutes of my life as I waited to hear it and know that there was life. There was, and I could breathe as I left the office! The same process happened at 16 weeks, although this time it took less time to find the heart beat, and I could go home with a smile on my face again.
However, two weeks later I'd run into problems again. We had just flown home from Georgia, and it didn't take long for me to realize that something was not right with my body! I felt like I had just worked out for 24... then 36 hours... I couldn’t sleep because I wasn't tired. I had that natural energy high, my heart was pounding, I was out of breath, and weirdest of all, my hands feet and legs were swelling and numb. So I went to my doctor, they did an EKG which was fine... then sent me off to the hospital. Her biggest concern was a blood clot from flying.
So I'm in the hospital, they do their tests and while we wait for the results, they come in to check for the baby's heart beat. At 18 weeks, I didn't think it should be hard to find. But the first nurse couldn't find it. She tried twice with no luck. The tears started to come, and I really started to panic. I had no idea why they couldn't get a heart beat... other than none was there. So the nurse sends for another nurse to come and check. She checks... and can't find anything. More and more tears start to flood. I can see my heart rate soaring on the monitor and I begin to really get upset. They quickly sent for an ultrasound machine and as they started looking for movement, I couldn't watch the ultrasound. I just couldn't imagine looking and seeing my baby lifeless. Thousands of thoughts just rushed through my mind as more and more tears began to come. It didn't take long, however, for the room to be filled with excitement as Frank and my mom and dad were able to see the baby for the first time... and he/she was alive and moving!
I wish I could say that I've been so filled with relief and joy... but even after seeing the baby just 2 weeks ago, I'm still fearful that the next appointment will bring the news I've dreaded. Now, as my pregnancy is past it's half way point, I've realized that I've really let this fear control and ruin the joy of pregnancy... so please be praying for me! Through all this craziness, I can see God's message in neon lights, glaring between the lines: TRUST ME! But it's been such a struggle.
I know the verses... I know that when we are fearful we're basically saying God isn't in control... I’ve preached it and I’ve heard it… but I know that what I need is Divine assurance and the peace that surpasses everything- so please be praying for that in my life and for a healthy baby!
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