Winter Blues

I like to think that I have a resilient spirit, and bounce back from setbacks fairly well, but I've been letting one thing bind me for a long time now. It was a really deep wound, that I haven't been able to heal from and I think it's mostly because I haven't been open about it and have kept it a secret for too long.

I'm young. I got married young, and I haven't gotten over the hurt of people's reactions. I never intended to tell anyone of this, but I told Frank and he really felt that my parents at least needed to know, and they informed others that also needed to know. Now, in order to heal, I know I have to be open about the things that happened.

The most common response to the news that Frank and I had gotten married was, "Wow, your so young!" And I know that. There's no sense in telling a person their own age is there? Many, many people said this and I understand it. But after a while, it gets hard to politely laugh or think of something to say in response.

The second was the most hurtful response and unfortunately it came from my church. The assumption was that I had only gotten married because I was pregnant. Some people casually asked if I was, which I appreciated sooo much because it gave me the opportunity to say no, but the majority of the people assumed.  And the rumor mill began. I waited for it to stop, and I really longed for people to just act somewhat normally around me instead of feeling like the purple elephant in the room, and after 3 months nothing changed. So I decided I would no longer go to services at this church. Thankfully, I had another religious support group that had surrounded me with love so that I could continue to grow spiritually in the comfort of this home church, but one thing was missing. I really missed the children that I had watched for so long. So I came to the conclusion that it wasn't the kids fault that adults acted the way they did, so I would continue with my childcare commitments.

The end came when children began asking me about my "baby". I was asked when it was due and when I could bring it to church, and at first I laughed and said not for a really long time; but then the mom who had overheard started acting extremely embarrassed and started making excuses for why her child had said these things... and that was the end for me. The fact that parents had felt that they needed to inform their kids of my "pregnancy"  was enough for me.

It's so easy to forgive people silly remarks and awkward moments, and much of it has faded from memory, but that final moment hasn't. I've allowed it to follow me to Oklahoma, I've allowed it to keep me from continuing to watch kids which I've loved to do for so many years, and I've let that hurt stop me from living my life the way God directs me. I used to avoid telling people I had gotten married at all costs because I knew it was more than likely the end of the relationship we had, as I had known it at least. Thankfully some people surprised me, so I know I can't look at it all badly, but it doesn't make it much less painful.

We were supposed to have a ceremony with friends and family this summer after Franks tour in Afghanistan, but I still can't bring myself to plan anything. I feel like I have to prove our love to so many people, and its worn me out. Maybe one day, in five years or so, I'll feel like having a ceremony that could actually be a happy event, but for now, and this year, I think it would consist of too much judgment and too many fake smiles and polite laughs on my end.

I appreciate the support and kindness of my immediate family, close friends, and our new Oklahoma family, and those who supported us back home! The past is the past, and I'm working on accepting that, forgiving and moving on from this, but I felt like in order for this to happen, I needed to stop keeping these events and this pain a secret.

The message I want those who read this to walk away with is to judge. It really broke my heart that this had happened, but what's worse is that it can so easily happen to someone else. What if someone really had been pregnant and not yet 20? Isn't church the place that they should feel safe to go?